I am writing this blog post for two days now, and I still dont have the right words to say. Just these mixed up feelings, and I am crying inside. But decided, oh, how hard I decided, that this time I will be strong. Not because I want to, oh, how hard I have hope still, but because I am afraid of the coming up things, I have the feeling that the coming up would be so much harder, than to rip out my own heart with my own hands, and say that this is the end, out loud, by myself, than to go in fights and in the end loose everything.
I started my life here, again, but it is still hard, still so fucking hard, but I am doing a great job with it. Even with my exam postponed untill may, I am doing a great job. Most of the day, I am okay. I am just getting low a few times, when sometimes I dont notice that I am thinking of you, again. Or by the nighttime, when it is getting calm, and silent. And last night, I think, and I know it might sound stupid but I was holding your hand, while I was dreaming, than I woke up, and figured out that you have left my life, went away, and you wont be back. I cried.
I sent you away. And I know that there is a pretty low chance of you coming back, but I just couldnt take more. I couldnt.
But since I have sent you away I realised that you loved me. That you really loved me, so why do you let it go than? Whats wrong with you? I dont understand. Maybe you, yourself dont realise it at all, or just you are fighting against it, fighting against me, so hard.
I realised, because all of our memories are coming back to me now. Even when you were as lucky to hit that poor duck with a snowball. That was hilarious.
And I realised that I love you, loved you, really. Realised because of the space what you have left in me. I am so hollow.
I have been reading a lot, sitting in my bed, so high, close to the ceiling, under my blanket, and read. And I was thinking, a lot, about life, about love too. It is such a shame that my high-flying-thoughts are not as clear in english, as they are in hungarian.
Was reading about the life of András Pető. He was a miracle in many ways. His life asked me so many questions: fate, love, caring, seeing. We, people, are full of mistakes, but even the wrong path is better than stay in one place.
I guess most of the people never meet true love in their lives, and I do not mean true love like Romeo and Juliet, they are running after some ideals. And when they meet, once in while, they stop, stuck, or dont even notice it. In our lives we have to make decisions. I guess you are too young to decide about me. I guess. Maybe you dont even recognize what is lying in front of you, and not because you are bad, you have more chance to see it than anybody else had in the last three years (it is not just you and me but the kind of love what we had). Maybe this is why I chose you. Or you chose me, or they chose us. There were too many coincidences in this relationship, and I dont believe in coincidences at all. We meant to meet, maybe because of learning something from each other. Maybe it is done. I wish you were as brave to see it.
But the love what we had is still here, and will be here for a while. I hope that you are holding it too for a while, and not just changing me without recognizing, without giving the respect of loosing it. That would hurt me the most, and would mean that you didnt learn anything from it. You loved me so hard, that you even afraid to notice it. You need me so hard that you are pushing me away with reasons that I dont even know.
But our laughters, our games, our hands which are reaching out for others, our arguments, and endless coming backs to each other, and our passion will stay here. I have doubt that it was so special to you too (the video where you are tickling me, when you are looking at me – that tells everything, you cannot lie), but my heart knows that somehow it was. It was rare, it is rare, – and I am not putting this word to every love that I had, have – I wish you would see, I wish I would understand you.
I am saying every night silently, please, come back, though I know that you need more time, and though I know, you wont.
Maybe, one day, you will be missing it. But if you dont miss it now, it would be so much easier to you to dont miss at all, because then you will be happy without me, and though it is hurting me very much at the moment, I know, that you will be over me soon – it was so much easier for you every time – and you will be free without me, as you wished, and I am so happy for that.
We were never a couple officially, I have never called you my boyfriend, not even in my mind. I avoided that. Since I sent you away, I realised that you were my boyfriend, somehow, for a while, and since that I am calling you in my mind, My Couple, My Love, My All, My Soul.
Loving you stil.
I wish you would be back.
I know, you wont.
eliz88
