Régi ház, lakattal…

Back to Hungary again. Wow. Long time since I have written my last post, though I started this blog nearly two years ago. It is not very often that I come to write here, is it? Most of the time I am posting, when I am confused. And I am so fucking confused at the moment.

I have absolutely no idea what I want from my life. While I was in Denmark I thought that the coming back will make it easier, but it is not. It is just helping in a way: I can speak my own language. And I can meet with my friends if I want to, but most of the time I dont have time for them at the moment, which is causing that I am sitting at home doing nothing – okay, trying to learn. But the questions in my mind is just stopping me from learning. I am feeling stucked.

It is not only about him. If I would be honest to myself he would be the easiest point in the problems now, though we are not really speaking about it, but more like I have no freaking idea what I want from my life – moreover – what my life wants from me? Hungary is changing, so do I. A year ago I was so sure that I am finishing the university, and I am going to go to my MA, maybe skipping a year for earning some money abroad, and after start work, research, working on my PhD, and change something HERE. I love Hungary.

But Hungary is changing. And I am meeting the question again what I have asked from myself after returning from Norway, where is the point where I have to say no to Hungary? Lets make it clear. I am missing my space. It is not that I dont love my family, and I dont like to live with them. I do. But I just hate this fucking small room, instead of knowing that mine is the bigger in this fucking house. But it is only 2,5 meters X 3,5 meters, and it is full with my stuff. And instead of this I love this room because it is so me. But if I am looking to my future, I dont know when I will have the chance to move away from here, if I am staying in this country. I just dont wanna see my future to be 28-30 and still live with my parents, here. Probably, I wont, I know, because if anybody has a chance to find out something thats me. But it is still that shocking after one week of being home, that it is stopping me from the hard work like I used to do before. Where is the fighter part of mine? I should learn, I should go out, I should start the plans what I have planned in Denmark, but how when it is even hard to get out from bed and do something else than being nerdy, thinking about the future what I dont even know, and counting my money what I can do and what I cannot?

Worrying keeps me away from so many things. I have to find the power of mine inside of me in minutes to not ruin everything. I have exam on saturday, and I am already too late with my paper. Paper of comparing stuff. How? I guess here, in this fucking country they never heard about child wellfare, but only crisis interaction, and if they will ask something about crisis interaction on saturday I will just probably sit and smile. WTF. Thats fucking not me.

Get yourself done woman! You can do this. I can do this.

Oh shit, I should know what I want.

Give me a sign! I would give everything just for a word how it should be!

Oh, I was if he could help me in this, by prooving how I feel is really exists. But he wont. Maybe it doesnt exist at all.

 

 

Hungary

 

There is a country,

where I was walking in my dreams:

Hungary.

Where I have seen my face in your face.

You were the richness if it came to hugging

You were the faith in the fight in a true case.

I will keep this face forever Hungary!

I will keep holding onto my dreams for a life…

 

Hungary.

You are written in my heart.

Hungary.

You were given to me to keep you safe.

Hungary.

So lead me now, and what I have to do

please help me to do that!

Be the truth in the tomorrow,

I am just only giving you my life…

 

There is a country,

where I was walking in my dreams:

Hungary.

Where I have seen my face in your face.

Come and once for a while when the new dawn arrives

wait for me!

Come and cuddle me again Hungary!

I have been waiting for you for thousand years.

 

Hungary!

If I am walking in abroad,

Hungary,

the road turns with me

home to you,

With me the ancients are asking you,

let me to live inside you from now on,

like they are living inside of me,

Hungary,

be blessed from millions!