Let me translate a little from the book.

“At 1943, there was the first air strike to Budapest. The radio started to say:

-Air strike, Mohács. Air strike, Mohács. Air strike, Baja. Air strike, Baja. Air strike, Paks.

At that time we knew, that they are coming to attack Pest. We prepared.

- Air strike, Paks. Air strike, Budapest. Air strike, Budapest.

The hooters started. Their voices moved around in circles, like the waves. Lucy and Pátzay were sitting in the ditch, and were listening to the bomb noises coming from Pest, as they are hitting the ground. After one and a half hour the hooters stopped. They crawled out from the ditch and Lucy said:

- Pali, I am leaving.

He was shocked.

- While we were sitting in the ditch – she said – I realized, that I cannot survive a war with you. You are a husband which shines in peace. If I am staying with you during this war, I will die.

So she left.”

Shocking. All the proudity of the old times, how they could stand up for their own lives, with responsibility, and with strength. Even how they knew what they need. Nowadays sometimes we are getting full with dust, we dont know what we want, we dont know how to put it, how to realize it, how to be responsible for, we cannot make choices, we cannot keep promises, nor our own choices, we cannot take the pain of our life, we cannot say goodbye gracefully, we cannot take the responsibility. And not just only in the time when it comes leaving, but in the time when we have to decide, or act.

Strange, still. Hate this period of the world.

I started my life here, again, but it is still hard, still so fucking hard, but I am doing a great job with it. Even with my exam postponed untill may, I am doing a great job. Most of the day, I am okay. I am just getting low a few times, when sometimes I dont notice that I am thinking of you, again. Or by the nighttime, when it is getting calm, and silent. And last night, I think, and I know it might sound stupid but I was holding your hand, while I was dreaming, than I woke up, and figured out that you have left my life, went away, and you wont be back. I cried.

I sent you away. And I know that there is a pretty low chance of you coming back, but I just couldnt take more. I couldnt.

But since I have sent you away I realised that you loved me. That you really loved me, so why do you let it go than? Whats wrong with you? I dont understand. Maybe you, yourself dont realise it at all, or just you are fighting against it, fighting against me, so hard.

I realised, because all of our memories are coming back to me now. Even when you were as lucky to hit that poor duck with a snowball. That was hilarious.

And I realised that I love you, loved you, really. Realised because of the space what you have left in me. I am so hollow.

I have been reading a lot, sitting in my bed, so high, close to the ceiling, under my blanket, and read. And I was thinking, a lot, about life, about love too. It is such a shame that my high-flying-thoughts are not as clear in english, as they are in hungarian.

Was reading about the life of András Pető. He was a miracle in many ways. His life asked me so many questions: fate, love, caring, seeing. We, people, are full of mistakes, but even the wrong path is better than stay in one place.

I guess most of the people never meet true love in their lives, and I do not mean true love like Romeo and Juliet, they are running after some ideals. And when they meet, once in while, they stop, stuck, or dont even notice it. In our lives we have to make decisions. I guess you are too young to decide about me. I guess. Maybe you dont even recognize what is lying in front of you, and not because you are bad, you have more chance to see it than anybody else had in the last three years (it is not just you and me but the kind of love what we had). Maybe this is why I chose you. Or you chose me, or they chose us. There were too many coincidences in this relationship, and I dont believe in coincidences at all. We meant to meet, maybe because of learning something from each other. Maybe it is done. I wish you were as brave to see it.

But the love what we had is still here, and will be here for a while. I hope that you are holding it too for a while, and not just changing me without recognizing, without giving the respect of loosing it. That would hurt me the most, and would mean that you didnt learn anything from it. You loved me so hard, that you even afraid to notice it. You need me so hard that you are pushing me away with reasons that I dont even know.

But our laughters, our games, our hands which are reaching out for others, our arguments, and endless coming backs to each other, and our passion will stay here. I have doubt that it was so special to you too (the video where you are tickling me, when you are looking at me – that tells everything, you cannot lie), but my heart knows that somehow it was. It was rare, it is rare, – and I am not putting this word to every love that I had, have – I wish you would see, I wish I would understand you.

I am saying every night silently, please, come back, though I know that you need more time, and though I know, you wont.

Maybe, one day, you will be missing it. But if you dont miss it now, it would be so much easier to you to dont miss at all, because then you will be happy without me, and though it is hurting me very much at the moment, I know, that you will be over me soon – it was so much easier for you every time – and you will be free without me, as you wished, and I am so happy for that.

We were never a couple officially, I have never called you my boyfriend, not even in my mind. I avoided that. Since I sent you away, I realised that you were my boyfriend, somehow, for a while, and since that I am calling you in my mind, My Couple, My Love, My All, My Soul.

Loving you stil.

I wish you would be back.

I know, you wont.

The first steps will be. Put a schedule to every next day of mine, and try to avoiding saying no to my friends. Every day I should do something useful, even when I have nothing to do. Write. Every day I should learn at least 10 new words from any other language, but mostly from italian, and danish, maybe some german. Everyday I should hold on to myself. Learn, even when it is hard. Dont think about, just do it. Also should work with my own issues. And maybe should find some part time job, what I like, even if I dont get paid for that. And definitely should go back to dance, and meet new people. And not let the mess grow over me. The other stuff will be arranged by time, I dont have to think about the country now, whether if it is Hungary, Denmark, England, or Canada. It will be okay anyway.

Thats a plan. I will try to keep holding onto my plan, and now I have to learn.

I have absolutely no idea what I want from my life. While I was in Denmark I thought that the coming back will make it easier, but it is not. It is just helping in a way: I can speak my own language. And I can meet with my friends if I want to, but most of the time I dont have time for them at the moment, which is causing that I am sitting at home doing nothing – okay, trying to learn. But the questions in my mind is just stopping me from learning. I am feeling stucked.

It is not only about him. If I would be honest to myself he would be the easiest point in the problems now, though we are not really speaking about it, but more like I have no freaking idea what I want from my life – moreover – what my life wants from me? Hungary is changing, so do I. A year ago I was so sure that I am finishing the university, and I am going to go to my MA, maybe skipping a year for earning some money abroad, and after start work, research, working on my PhD, and change something HERE. I love Hungary.

But Hungary is changing. And I am meeting the question again what I have asked from myself after returning from Norway, where is the point where I have to say no to Hungary? Lets make it clear. I am missing my space. It is not that I dont love my family, and I dont like to live with them. I do. But I just hate this fucking small room, instead of knowing that mine is the bigger in this fucking house. But it is only 2,5 meters X 3,5 meters, and it is full with my stuff. And instead of this I love this room because it is so me. But if I am looking to my future, I dont know when I will have the chance to move away from here, if I am staying in this country. I just dont wanna see my future to be 28-30 and still live with my parents, here. Probably, I wont, I know, because if anybody has a chance to find out something thats me. But it is still that shocking after one week of being home, that it is stopping me from the hard work like I used to do before. Where is the fighter part of mine? I should learn, I should go out, I should start the plans what I have planned in Denmark, but how when it is even hard to get out from bed and do something else than being nerdy, thinking about the future what I dont even know, and counting my money what I can do and what I cannot?

Worrying keeps me away from so many things. I have to find the power of mine inside of me in minutes to not ruin everything. I have exam on saturday, and I am already too late with my paper. Paper of comparing stuff. How? I guess here, in this fucking country they never heard about child wellfare, but only crisis interaction, and if they will ask something about crisis interaction on saturday I will just probably sit and smile. WTF. Thats fucking not me.

Get yourself done woman! You can do this. I can do this.

Oh shit, I should know what I want.

Give me a sign! I would give everything just for a word how it should be!

Oh, I was if he could help me in this, by prooving how I feel is really exists. But he wont. Maybe it doesnt exist at all.

Hungary

There is a country,

where I was walking in my dreams:

Hungary.

Where I have seen my face in your face.

You were the richness if it came to hugging

You were the faith in the fight in a true case.

I will keep this face forever Hungary!

I will keep holding onto my dreams for a life…

Hungary.

You are written in my heart.

Hungary.

You were given to me to keep you safe.

Hungary.

So lead me now, and what I have to do

please help me to do that!

Be the truth in the tomorrow,

I am just only giving you my life…

There is a country,

where I was walking in my dreams:

Hungary.

Where I have seen my face in your face.

Come and once for a while when the new dawn arrives

wait for me!

Come and cuddle me again Hungary!

I have been waiting for you for thousand years.

Hungary!

If I am walking in abroad,

Hungary,

the road turns with me

home to you,

With me the ancients are asking you,

let me to live inside you from now on,

like they are living inside of me,

Hungary,

be blessed from millions!

Cause I am a free bitch baby!

Tüzed, Uram, Jézus, szítsd a szívemben,
Lángja lobogjon elevenebben!
Ami vagyok, és mind, ami az enyém,
Tartsd a kezedben, igazi helyén!
Refr.:

Életem kútja, örök örömem,
Fény a sötétben csak te vagy nekem,
Hallod imám, és bármi fenyeget,
Nem hagy el engem, tart a te kezed.

2.

Szorongat a Sátán, de Te velem vagy,
Hű Szabadítóm, aki el nem hagy.
Ennek a világnak fekete egén
Lényed a csillag, sugarad a fény.

Refr.

3. Jön az örök nap már, közeledik Ő,
Mennyei honba hazavinni jő.
Röpke pillanat, míg tart a keserű,
Krisztus elém jön, örök a derű.

Refr.

“Olvadás van.”

Lilla

Soha nem kellett nekem, hogy erős légy
Soha nem kellettél azért, hogy kiemeld a rossz tulajdonságaim
Soha nem kellett a fájdalom, soha nem kellett erő
A szerelmem irántad erős volt, tudnod kellett volna.

Soha nem kellettél egy döntés meghozatalára
Soha nem kellettél arra, hogy megkérdezd mennyit költöttem
Soha nem kértem segítséget, gondoskodom magamról
Nem tudom miért gondolod azt, hogy tartanod kell engem
Ez túl késő ahhoz, hogy megbeszéljük,
Nincs semmi, amit már tehetnél.
A szemeim fájnak, a karjaim sajognak, szóval néz rám, és hallgass meg,

MERT

Nem akarok még egy pillanatot maradni,
Nem akarom, hogy még egy szót szólj,
Csillapodj, csillapodj
Nincs más út.
Kimondom a végszót,

MERT

Nem akarom többet ezt csinálni
Nem akarlak téged
Nincs mit mondani
Csillapodj, csillapodj

Már elmondtam,
A szerelmünk megtörött
Édes Csillapodj, csillapodj

Nem kellettek soha a kijavításaid
Arra, hogy hogyan cselekszek, és mit mondok
Soha nem kellettek a szavak
Soha nem kellett a bántalom
Soha nem kellett, hogy ott légy egész nap
Bocsásd meg, ahogy elengedtelek
Mindent, ahogy akartam, hogy legyen
De én soha nem voltal elvert, megtört, vagy vesztes
Tudom, hogy nem melléd tartozom
És ez a késő a magyarázatokhoz
Nincs amit tehetnél
A szemem fáj, a kezem sajog, szóval Édes hallgass meg

REF

Nincs több szó,
nincs több hazugság,
nincs több könny,
nincs több fájdalom,
nincs több bántalom,
nincs több próbálkozás

MERT

REF…

na meg valahol belekeverve az I will survive, ami nem elhanyagolható…

Valóban?

Such a beautiful site
entered into my life
my interest conquered the fright
to meet the Mother of all light
My pounding heart rose in speed
when She planted a seed
In the deepest essence of me
it was the day my spirit was freed

Oh I’m thanking
Blessed Mary
for light Divine
Thanking Blessed Mary
for light Divine
Thanking Blessed Mary
for light

Temptation messed
me around
She picked me up
from the ground
And taught me to never let go
of your God given soul
But sometimes I still lose my mind
when life is cruel and unkind
but it’s when I suffer that I learn
in a repenting heart love will burn

Oh I’m thanking Blessed Mary
for light Divine
Thanking Blessed Mary
for light Divine
Thanking Blessed Mary
for light

Oh my faith has been renewed
She guides me to
eternal life
and to the truth
Oh oh oh oh oh
Yes my faith has been renewed

Oh I’m thanking Blessed Mary
for light Divine…

And now I’ve met Jesus Her Son
with the Holy Spirit
I’ve begun
A pilgrimage to heaven above
to Our Father’s kingdom of love

Ave, ave, ave Maria
Ave, ave, ave Maria
Ave, ave, ave Maria, gracia plena, gracia plena
Ave, ave, ave Maria, gracia plena, gracia plena

I DO BELIEVE IN GOD – And God showes me his faces all the way of life